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Heard any good jokes lately?

PostPosted: Fri May 08, 2009 7:14 pm
by agonist
A little humor always helps.

I heard a good one on Limbaugh's show today at lunch.

He was quoting a golf commentator (I forget his name) who wrote an article on his visit to the troops in Iraq. He was saying he's often asked how the troops feel about the war and our government. He said "if you gave one of our guys two bullets and put him in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Osama Bin Laden, there's a good chance Pelosi would get shot twice."

I had a pretty good chuckle over that.

PostPosted: Sat May 09, 2009 11:47 pm
by beltbuckle
I lol'd!

"if you gave one of our guys two bullets and put him in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Osama Bin Laden, there's a good chance Pelosi would get shot twice."

PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2009 6:52 pm
by tigwelder56
Spread the Stupidity

Only in America drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

> Only in America people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

> Only in America banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

> Only in America we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America we buy hot dogs in packages of ten & buns in packages of eight.

Only in America they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

> Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

> Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

> Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

> Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? > Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

> You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

> I like this one!!!

> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

PostPosted: Thu May 14, 2009 3:15 pm
by Tralik33
For those that don't know about history ..... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter..

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement..

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, truck drivers, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it...

PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2009 3:45 am
by tigwelder56

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.................

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.


PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2009 12:19 pm
by jdeangelis99
looking for a good comidian youtube Jim Jeffries I saw him live a few days ago and it was great!!

PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2009 12:20 pm
by jdeangelis99
i ment to say months

PostPosted: Tue May 19, 2009 11:43 pm
by TheBonecrusher
I read some funny bathroom graffiti today. Someone had written in black marker on the stall wall-

"Before flushing, please check to see if you have won a free Obama doll. Hundreds of winners each day. Today could be your lucky day!"

I'm sorry, but I busted out laughing and anyone else in the bathroom probably thought I was crazy!

PostPosted: Wed May 20, 2009 2:14 pm
by tigwelder56
Outstanding Crusher!! LMAO!!

PostPosted: Sat May 23, 2009 4:38 am
by ShootSS
Obama got off his helicopter and was walking to the White House with a piglet under each arm. A Marine Seargent snapped to attention as the president walked by and said: "Nice piglets, Sir!"

Obama stopped and said, "These are not just piglets soldier. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got them for Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi"

The seargent again snapped to attention, saluting, and replied, "Excellent trade, Sir!"