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Heard any good jokes lately?

If you are not talking about firearms or weapons, do it here.

Postby St8Shooter » Fri Jun 25, 2010 4:07 pm

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped

on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or

backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the

floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"

Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody well suctioned myself to

the floor," she said.

"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast

girl. I'll go across the road and get me mate Wayne to help."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't

do it,"

Wayne said, "So let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"

"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles

under her," replied Wayne ..

"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and

play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for

that mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we

can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper."
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Postby Torgo » Sat Jun 26, 2010 3:57 pm

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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Postby Rescuelurch » Sat Jun 26, 2010 4:25 pm

You know, a lot of people around the country can never tell who they should vote for. they can't tell who is honest and who is not. there is one easy way to tell when a politician is lying or telling the truth that I have never ever seen fail. If their lips are moving, they are lying. Need proof, I give you B. Obama! His lips are constantly moving. Has he yet made any promises that he has or could keep? Remember this on the next election you take part in.
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Postby Rescuelurch » Sat Jun 26, 2010 4:32 pm

If someone kicks in your door in the middle of the night, don't judge too harshly or feel bad because he needs your belongings to sell to survive. Just pull the damn trigger!!!
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Postby Rescuelurch » Sat Jun 26, 2010 5:10 pm

A groom to be was having a grand time at his bachelor party with all his good friends. Then they gave him a big surprise at the end of the night, a beautiful red headed lass who took him home for his last night as a single man. Being quite sloshed and incredibly turned on by this sweet thing, he gave no thought to his bride to be. As things started to move along, all of a sudden, the redhead jumped up and said, oh my god, my husband is home from work early and he said he would kill the next man he found me with. She quickly ushered him into the closet, but when she slammed the door, he was still in an excited state and caught his manhood in the slamming door. He was amazed at his ability not to scream in his agony, but was able to keep quiet. After the husband fell asleep she quickly ushered him out. Every step he took was pure agony, so he went to the emergency room and told the doctor what transpired. Quickly the bright doctor grabbed two tongue depressors and placed one on each side while wrapping his member in gauze. He told the doctor it felt better, but then the doctor gave him the bad news, you will have to keep that the way I have it for at least a week or risk having permanent damage. Now that the alcohol had worn off and reality started to sink in, he explained to the doctor he was to be wed in the morning and what should he do about the upcoming wedding night? The doc replied my concern is healing, how you explain this is your concern.

Well the next days nuptials went off without a hitch. then came the wedding night he had feared all day. As his beautiful bride started undressing, she removed her bra and said, do you see these, they have never been touched by human hands. then she slowly removed her panties and said, do you see this, it has never been seen by human eyes. Then the groom pulls down his pants and shorts in one fell swoop and says, oh yeah, look at this, it's still in the crate!
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Postby keyman » Sat Jun 26, 2010 5:27 pm

This old grandpa was telling his grand kids that when he was a boy his mother would give him a dollar and he would go to the corner grocery. He would come home with a five pound sack of potatoes, two loaves of bread, two quarts of milk, a block of cheese and a half dozen eggs.

Can't do that no more, he said.

Too many security cameras.
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Postby Torgo » Sat Jun 26, 2010 11:57 pm

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
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Postby Ron40 » Sun Jun 27, 2010 11:34 am

Sick. Funny, but sick. Are there any women members of this forum?
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Postby St8Shooter » Sun Jun 27, 2010 4:50 pm

Torgo that was awesome!
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Postby Torgo » Sun Jun 27, 2010 11:04 pm

I do what I can sir!!
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