Heard any good jokes lately?

[tigwelder56]

I'm honored to be in your class!

[Ron40]

A guy was approached by a hooker in a Las Vagas bar.

"I'll take you around the world for $200," she said.

After looking in his wallet, he said, "Can you take me as far as Cleveland?"

[tigwelder56]

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

[Torgo]

Jesus walks up to a church and stands in its courtyard looking up at the building. He focuses on the cross on top of the church, and starts shaking his head. A priest notices this, and walks up to him, "Jesus, why are you upset?" Jesus nods towards the cross and stares at the priest. "But Jesus, don't you see, this church, and all its congrigation is here to celebrate you, and your sacrifice!" Jesus smiles at the priest and says, "What am I supposed to do, look up at that cross and go"oh yea, good times, good times"....

[keyman]

A guy in Paris, Texas shops at an up to date grocery that features sounds and odors at several shopping points in the store.



As you walk up to the produce counter you hear the sound of rolling thunder, and the sprinklers come on to refresh the produce.



At the bread counter you get the delightful smell of fresh baked cookies and bread in the oven.



At the egg counter you get the sound of chickens clucking softly, and the smell of bacon and sausage frying in the pan.



He doesn't buy his toilet paper there anymore.

[St8Shooter]

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out

my newly assign physician is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!



I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional -



I've seen it all before.



Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."



I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."

[tigwelder56]

[TEXVETNAM67-68]

For those that don't know about history ..... Here is a condensed version:



Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter..



The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.



The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.



These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:



1. Liberals, and

2. Conservatives.



Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.



Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.



Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement..



Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.



Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.



Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.



Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, truck drivers, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.



Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:



And there you have it...

[Torgo]

[Blackrifle]

A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.



'Twenty dollars' she whispers.



Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck,

it's only twenty bucks, So they hide in the bushes.



They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes

on them. It is a police officer.



'What's going on here, people?' Asks the officer.



'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.



'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'



'Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, til ya shined that light in her face.'