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Heard any good jokes lately?

If you are not talking about firearms or weapons, do it here.

Postby Torgo » Fri Jul 09, 2010 12:45 am

1. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

2. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,

"Where's the self-help section?"

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

3. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

4. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

5. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

6. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

7. Is there another word for synonym?

8. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

9. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

10. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

11. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

12. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

13. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

14. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

15. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

16. How is it possible to have a civil war?

17. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

18. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

19. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

20. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

21. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
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Postby Torgo » Fri Jul 09, 2010 1:07 am

Trying to be good so Tig doesnt yell at me again(just kiddin Tig)....Here are some lawyer Q&A's from a friend of mines email who works in the courts in AZ.



Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.



Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.



Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.



Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.



Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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Postby St8Shooter » Fri Jul 09, 2010 1:17 am

Yell away just don't take away my range time!!!!
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Postby tigwelder56 » Wed Jul 14, 2010 7:00 pm

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.



At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... Enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"



"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.



"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.



He never heard the gunshot.





Thx, Gunnutz!
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Postby tigwelder56 » Wed Aug 04, 2010 9:23 pm

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Shittin Me'?



Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.



There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.



Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.



Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and His troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.



Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted . He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.



Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of Ill Repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.



General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.



Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired , wet, exhausted , and desperately need warmth and comfort.'



Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'



Washington replied , 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'



And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.
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Postby tigwelder56 » Thu Aug 26, 2010 11:37 pm

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer rugs.



Its doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.
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Postby Will_Carry » Fri Aug 27, 2010 9:02 pm

HAH! Now THAT'S FUNNY!
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Postby LeeLee » Wed Oct 06, 2010 3:53 pm

Good stuff!!
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Postby ShootSS » Sat Nov 27, 2010 3:56 pm

A little boy asks his mother where the human race came from. She said that "Adam and Eve had children and those children and other children and so on and now here we are."



The boy then asked his father where the human race came from. He said that "Millions of years ago, men evolved from monkeys and apes."



Confused, the little boy went back to his mother and asks, "You said we came from Adam and Eve. Why did Daddy say that the human race evolved from monkeys and apes?"



"Oh, that's easy honey," she said. "Daddy was telling you about his side of the family. I was telling you about mine."
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Postby ShootSS » Sat Nov 27, 2010 4:08 pm

A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could ever hope for and your answer cannot take that away at all. But I must know, did he have a different father?"



The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for a moment and then confessed, "Yes. Yes he did."



The old man was very shaken. The reality of what his wife was admitting him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye, he asked, "Who? Who was he? Who was the Father?"



Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first, as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then finally she says....."You."
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