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Heard any good jokes lately?

If you are not talking about firearms or weapons, do it here.

Postby ShootSS » Sat May 23, 2009 4:43 am

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.



The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic"



Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.



There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
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Postby ShootSS » Sat May 23, 2009 4:48 am

Lawyers should never ask a small town grandmothers a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.



In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you"



The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him"



The defense attorney nearly died.



The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair!"
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Postby ShootSS » Sat May 23, 2009 4:57 am

New element discovered!



Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.



These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.



Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.



When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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Postby tigwelder56 » Sun Aug 30, 2009 12:39 am

The Zen of Reality



1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.



2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.



3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.



4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.



5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.



6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.



7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.



8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.



9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.



10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.



12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.



13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.



14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.



16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.



17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.



18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.



19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.



20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.



22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Democracy is two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for dinner. Liberty is one well armed sheep contesting the vote! --The Sheep
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Postby tigwelder56 » Sun Aug 30, 2009 4:58 am

So you are the one that keeps stealing my Newspaper! LOL

Good twists on old sayingsd!!

Now this is a Hell of a lot more pleasant than a couple of Days ago!
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Democracy is two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for dinner. Liberty is one well armed sheep contesting the vote! --The Sheep
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Postby TEXVETNAM67-68 » Fri Oct 16, 2009 4:57 pm

Levels of applied defensive response to a possible threat.



First remember to have your weapon available and tactically ready. In the trunk is no help.



1. If an assailant approaches, inform him that you are armed. Try not to use your squeaky voice. Judge his response.If he wants to leave, let him and notify the proper authorities,

2. If 1 is not possible, fire over his head. Judge his response

3. If 1 or 2 are not possible, shoot him in the nuts. Judge his response

4. If 1, 2 or 3 are not possible, shoot him in the chest. Judge his response.

5. If nothing else is possible, use you proficiency and shoot him in the middle of the forehead. Judge his response. Enough said!
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Postby TEXVETNAM67-68 » Fri Oct 16, 2009 5:37 pm

If any Weapon is in his Hand, I would jump to Step 4 or 5 immediately! Too much evaluation may get you killed.

The largest problem with Hand Guns is people tend to let Assailants get too close. If he has any Training he may just take your Gun from you! (U.S.A.F. Training Rules)
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Postby TEXVETNAM67-68 » Sat Oct 17, 2009 12:29 pm

Thinking on what was said below brings up another point. Another problem facing Responsible Gun Owners is we have to Think first, but the Bad Guy just Fires! He don't give a damn. If he is willing to kill you, he don't care about others around you that he may hit. That's another reason I don't want to fire over his Head. I may hit someone 1/2 Mile away!
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Postby TEXVETNAM67-68 » Sun Oct 18, 2009 1:10 am

Hey Billy,

I wrote it tongue in cheek, step 5 stops a lot of BS and stops any what-ifs.
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Postby TEXVETNAM67-68 » Sun Oct 18, 2009 1:13 am

The following is a verbatim transcript of a sentence imposed upon a defendant convicted of murder in the Federal District Court of the Territory of New Mexico many years ago by a United States Judge in an adobe stable, used as a temporary courtroom in Taos.



DEATH SENTENCE 1881



"Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, in a few short weeks it will be spring. The snows of winter will flee away and the ice will vanish, and the air will become soft and balmy. In short Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, the annual miracle of the years will awaken and come to pass, but you won't be there.

The rivulet will run its soaring course to the sea, the timid desert flowers will put forth their tender shoots, the glorious valleys of this imperial domain will blossom as the rose. Still, you won't be here to see.

From every treetop some wild woods songster will carol his mating song, butterflies will sport in the sunshine, the busy bee will hum happy as it pursues its accustomed vocation, the gentle breeze will tease the tassels of the wild grasses, and all nature, Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, all will be glad but you. You won't be here to enjoy it because I command the sheriff or some other officers of the county to lead you out to some remote spot, swing you by the neck from the notting bough of some sturdy oak, and let you hang until you are dead.

And then, Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, I further command that such officer or officers retire quickly from your dangling corpse, that vultures may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body until nothing shall remain but the bare, bleached bones of a cold blooded, copper colored, blood thirsty, throat cutting, chili eating, sheep herding, murdering son of a bitch."



UNITED STATES OF AMERICA vs. GONZALES (1881)

UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT,

NEW MEXICO TERRITORY SESSIONS
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